How did I get here?

I have been asking myself that question a lot lately. Sometimes I ask it in disappointment as I question my calling and why nothing is going as smoothly as I wanted it to go; other times I ask it overwhelmed by the greatness of God and the work He is doing despite my shortcomings.

I was a very scared child. The list of things that terrified me was unending. It is funny looking back on it now, but at the time, there was nothing comical about always being paralyzed by the next nightmare creeping around the corner. There were times I asked my mother if adults were ever scared and more specifically if she was ever afraid of anything. She told me she wasn’t afraid of things like the monsters in her closet anymore, although every once and a while she would have a bad dream about ducks, geese, or chickens due to her fear of birds. Now, she feared the less tangible things like the loss of financial stability or the safety of her children. My young mind couldn’t understand how those were legitimate fears. The walking baby-spider-head from Toy Story and images I had painted in my mind of the boy from Where the Red Fern Grows falling on his axe seemed far scarier than the things my mother had described. I was sure that age was the magical cure to my irrational fears. There would be no more sleepless nights that were only fixed by crawling into bed with someone who loved you or prayers that the daylight would stay forever because you couldn’t handle the darkness of night.

Age seemed like the magical cure to my constant anxiety. I remember what it was like to be a kid and have a clear picture in my mind of what adulthood would look like. The ability to call the shots in my own life seemed so appealing. When I had the chance to choose, I would wear whatever I wanted, dye my hair crazy colors, cake on layers of makeup, and decorate my room however I pleased. Boy, was I wrong. Now, I have an apartment I have no energy or desire to decorate, a love of tattoos, piercings, clothes, makeup, and hairstyles that don’t match my career aspirations, and a completely new set of anxieties, fears, and neuroses from those I had in childhood. I thought I would reach this point where eventually I had all the answers, but each year brings more questions than ever.

I’ve never been one to buy into the American dream, but right about now it would be easier to justify. Instead, I spend my time explaining what a resident director does, why anyone of the age of twenty-six would choose to live in a “dorm” with college students, how many more semesters it will take to finish my counseling degree, how such a “cool” girl could be single for so long, and who actually enjoys driving a Toyota Yaris. There are days I am tired and want to give in to the nagging questions, the secret longings, and the image of “togetherness” I had in my childhood, but I can’t. Something won’t let me. Something still tells me that everyday can still hold the outrageous, the extraordinary, the mystery that whispers, “Keep going. In the end it will all be worth it.” So here I am stuck in the “in-between,” caught in my own personal quarter life crisis, and I’m waiting and trusting Him as I watch how it all plays out.

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6 thoughts on “How did I get here?”

  1. You left out that time when that man on a motorcycle came down our driveway to ask for directions and you thought he was coming to kidnap you, ha.

    I love you sister.

  2. Honey, You are Right With God, and You ARE Right where you are Supposed to Be !
    I have Always felt that Fear & Faith can’t exist in the same place. I have also learned that whether you are 26 or 56, there will ALWAYS be ?’s and wonders and hmm’s. . . [That is How God Made Us] . . . I learned (long ago) that If Everything ‘seems’ to be (Fairytale “JUST RIGHT”) That is when we are Most Vulnerable, and we perhaps Move in Our OWN Direction (momentarily in our own strength) … Be Careful, and Purposeful to Continue to Move in Gods’ Strength, in His Direction.
    It is In OUR Genes to EMBRACE our UNIQUENESS !!!
    I Have Always Loved You, and as Time Passes, I Love You More !!!
    …At the Risk of making you cry (it is Never my Intent), Nana IS Very Proud of You !!

  3. I love you so much! I am sure that the One who began a good work in you will carry it on until it is completed. That will be on the day Christ Jesus returns. Philippians 1 :6 🙂

  4. Some day I hope to be as grown up as you, my sweet daughter. Cling to your individuality, and don’t sweat what others think. You are unique and wonderful as you are and our vision of success ain’t what it claims to be.

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